Caste, horoscope and so on

Two years of mutual support and courtship had completed. It was now time to let the rat loose and talk to our families about taking it to the next level. This is generally considered tougher than proposing to the partner itself. I believe that it should be the other way. Once you’ve decided on your life’s partner, the rest is simply creating a formal ceremony, take blessing from elders and be pronounced wedded.

All these sound simple until you’re clear about your intention of your decision, because this frames the skeleton of your further actions. The second reason being that you would be mostly getting into confronting conversation with your would-be in-laws, making them believe that you’re the best for their daughter. Here the stakes are much higher than convincing your prospective employer! Why?

# Because, this is (hopefully) the first of its kind conversation for you.

# And you’re desperate to make it successful. Lot of attachment towards the result.

# The issues that would be brought on the table to discuss are such that you would have cared a damn to them all your life!

# Lastly, if failed; you need to start the process all over again! Two years of hard work gone down the drain.

Paradoxically, this is the hurdle that I loved crossing
I made a list of questions/ concerns/ thoughts a girl’s father would have in his mind to decide whether you’re the right one for his daughter or not. These questions or concerns come from his thought background of- “this proposal has come in an unwelcome way” (atleast in an Indian situation), “the link to you is only thru my daughter and not thru family or friends or communal references” (in most of the cases).

Here are the questions/ concerns if thrown on the table when met face-to-face with my would-be father-in-law and my personal thoughts to deal with them:

1. The boy belongs to a different caste & is a non-veggie!
o CASTE- As we’re all aware that caste system was made based on the kind of profession taken on by different sects of people in the society. In that case, currently I’m an engineer and so is the girl, hence technically we both belong to the same caste. But that might not qualify to be an answer.
o Hence it’s destiny that I belong to a different caste. If that’s the case then why at all I’m been called to talk with the girl’s father in the first place, if he’s “not” OK with that! So there’s something else to it… it could be that he’s fine with his daughter getting married to another caste boy (though not excited about it), but do the society or the relatives approve it? This point is addressed later in this document.
o There’re also few pointers that you can leverage from the Hindu marriage act, 1955 specific to castes & sub-castes to legalize marriages. This will also indicate that you’re truly educated to have analyzed all possible realities in your bandwidth and not simply hold an academic degree.
o NON-VEGGIE- I eat chicken, egg and fish. And I personally do not want to stop consuming them. He could be having an issue with that for 2 reasons.
i. As a supporter of PETA he might not appreciate me consuming meat for food. I would love this opposition. As a supporter of animal rights, I would also like to pose few points on the consumption of other commodities made out of animals/ or their subsidiaries. Like the leather footwear, belt, wallet, wool, medicines made out of animal fat etc. I’m not sure if you’re checking each and every commodity you use daily if they are made from dead animals only or someone out there is killing them to make an accessory for you. I can also challenge him to be a pure vegan not to even consume milk or by products. These answers could be offending and also there could be a possibility that the point is not done yet. If yes, then switch to the 2nd one below.
ii. As a pure veggie by birth he would not appreciate his son-in law being a meat eater. If this reason is strong enough to break the proposal, then I’m ready to quit non-veg. Now, if you consider this as a sacrifice, then the intention of the forthcoming marriage is at jeopardy. It should be sincerely considered as a choice of will.

2. Does the horoscope match?
o Be very clear whether you believe in this or not. If you believe in this field, then the outcome of the horoscope matching is the verdict for go/no-go. If you don’t believe in this, then don’t resist the horoscope check if the other party is keen on that. Again, remember that the idea here is not to show-up as a rebel & become a hero. Idea is to cross the obstacle with ease & grace.
o "Horoscope matched?” If yes, don’t utter a word and be in the flow
o If no- then work begins… browse web and spend time on understanding the basics of horoscope. Understand the issue about the mismatch of your horoscope with that of your fiancé. Humbly check if there is any work around for the issue. Request to take it another astrologer. If the result is favoring you, then gently challenge the verdict of the previous astrologer. If the result is same and no workaround- educate them about the redundancy of horoscope in the modern world where the boy & the girl are already in agreement for communion (I’m not sure whether the statements are true. I’m only trying to work-out the situation). Understand the technical issues with the mismatch and its impact on marriage and address them. This might not resolve the issue of mismatch, however indicates the confidence and commitment you have in making this proposal work. After-all they’re looking for that trait itself in you to ensure you’re serious about the whole marriage thing!
o Above work is definitely herculean, but there’s no short-cut to hard work. And more so you are addressing a deal breaker of your life! So you better put-in proportional amount of efforts.

3. What does the boy do for his living?
o Employed as an engineer in a respectable (private) company.
o Atleast has the dignity of labor and is confident of driving the family on his own.

4. Is he well educated?
o Engineer (BE Mech)… [all the other CADD, C++ & Java courses you have attended is irrelevant for this interview]

5. How much is he paid? (most critical)
o Tell exactly the number that you drew last month without hesitation and with pride.
o To exceed the expectation, you could also have a high-level plan of monthly expenditure and how comfortably you could manage life with that salary.
o Future promises of probable hikes in salary in the office, is never a value adder. What’s current is the one that’s important.

6. Is the financial condition of the boy’s family good enough?
o Have exact idea of the property (fixed and variable) associated with you.
o Make clear distinction of properties in your name and your family members’ names
o State only legal facts never exaggerate them to look good

7. Family background… ?
o Good, decent, and so on…
o Ensure you give a picture about their daughter happily spending rest of her life with them.
o Again never over-estimate facts. It’s allowed in this case not to mention unfavorable non-critical facts, but never lie or give false impression.

8. What does the society say?
o Who all does the society refers to according to them? Obtain clear understanding of that.
o Never pronounce someone in that list not important… remember you don’t know their world.
o Gently re-define who all could actually fit-into their society.
o Offer to invite all of them to invite to a suitable location and you’re ready to meet them in person clear the concerns. Be ready to take-up that challenge. Don’t worry... that’s a rare possibility… however it gives immense confidence in your decision and ownership of the problem.

9. What do our family members/ relatives say?
o Offer the same proposal as in for society concern.
o However, be more adaptive in communication style here. Remember- idea is not become a hero in that forum, but the idea is only to project a presentable figure simply to obtain their approval only. Job is done after that.

10. Is the boy “good”? referring to character mainly
o Tough to provide self-testimony; never give them your FB/ Orkut profile for that
o Infact you can offer to provide a conduct certificate from your company, which is more neutral, unbiased and more acceptable in the society. Trust me…it’s just an offer; nobody wants it in real. But make the offer; they would atleast know that you have an option to address the concern.

11. How do I get the younger one married, if the elder one gets an inter caste?
o With the reference of the basis of creation of caste system, base the argument on the non-criticality of inter-caste marriage in the current society. However, this does not address the issue completely.
o Show the confidence of creating a great marriage with the current proposal. Let him truly see more than a son in-law in you. He must see you as a moral support system for their family in the future. In this background show the commitment of creating such a married life that any concern/ doubt in an inter-caste marriage is eradicated from his mind! Therefore, getting the younger one married is no more a challenge instead it’s easier, having you on their side supporting the cause.

12. Can I get them married this year itself? Or…. do I have enough money for the wedding?
o This year or next year or whenever it could be… let them decide the date without any materialistic constraints.
o If the concern is finance… there comes your real boldness. Step-up and volunteer to finance “your” wedding. Be it fully or partially with discussion with your fiancé. This is the real test of your commitment to converting your proposal to wedding.

In all of the above, the idea is to address all the concerns and create workability. And never to negate any concern… not even a single one. Anything that might sound silly & petty to you could be a critical one for other party.
All of the above is valid if-and-only-if you’re clear that the marriage is to happen only after complete agreement from both parties. I was very clear of that prior to my wedding and naturally had to go thru all the rigor of preparation for the toughest question paper. Fortunately to my surprise the question paper turned out to be pretty simple for me. Hence, I could get thru convincing the critical stake holders with lesser turmoil and flying colors.Nevertheless the exercise made me more sensitive a person to other people’s world, and qualified me to draft this document. There’re no free lunches, my friend!